Monday, June 18, 2007

I'm That Classy

And now, this important message, coming to you via my 76 year old mother, via my 81 year old uncle, with a special recommendation from my 86 year old Grandma Stella who is more in the e-mail loop than I am. I very unclassily give you....

OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan


What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts


Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong".


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins

"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...."

8 comments:

Pam said...

Yeowza! The elders in your family must be a hoot. Tell 'em thanks, a six AM laugh is always a good thing!

meno said...

Good stuff. Thanks for the laughs.

liv said...

What sticks with me is this one:

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.


I firmly believe. That ain't no joke. And you know here down south I have to start my divorce story, "Y'all ain't gwine believe this shee-it"

Maggie said...

I loved the Mike Tyson and OJ jokes.

Those are awesome.

Anonymous said...

Best post I've read in weeks & weeks. Thanks for a great laugh. Trisha

Gretchen said...

Well, I always say, if you can't laugh at yourself, laugh at someone else. :) Very fun, indeed!

Dapoppins said...

Seems to me my mom sent me one like this too. It's the older ladies who always know a good thing when they read it!

Cheryl Wray said...

The last one is SO very true!!!