No sooner do I put away holiday decorations do I find myself knee deep in 3 year old party planning. The goal was to keep it simple - some cake, a jumper, some easy food. But when you're trying to entertain 20 toddlers and feed their parents something other than pizza, things ultimately get a bit more complicated. Between ordering the bouncer, buying paper goods, dropping more than a few ducets at Costco, trying to sanitize the house with two rug rats chasing the vacuum cleaner and finishing my pilot, I've had stuff on my mind.
The question of "tacos" vs. "quesadillasa" was running through my head at exactly 2:45 this Friday as I made a left turn into the post office to mail my script. I had fifteen minutes before I had to get the kids from Grandmas (who was kind enough to loan me 2 of her folding tables and one patio set. Well, she didn't loan me the patio set... I just took it. The blessings of both an SUV and a comfort level with your mommy). Apparently I cut some guy off and took his parking space. After being flipped off and yelled something, which I could only assume wasn't "Love your hair!" I braced myself for the inevitable parking lot brawl as he stepped out of his car toward me. It went something like this.
Man: You took my space!
Me: I'm sorry, I didn't mea--
Man: You just whipped right in and nabbed it. What the fxxx?
Me: Look, I --
Man: Watch the way you drive you bxxx.
Me: (Okay, I was fine up until that compliment) Do I look like I meant to do it? I had a lot on my mind and...
Man: I don't give a flying fxxx--
This is where it gets ugly. If it were the Old West, both of us would have been dead. Pistols on the ground. Priority packages stained with blood.
Our words clashed over each other like fists in a wrestling fight. And not a title fight, like in Vegas. A stupid WWF fight. It was Mama P Make My Day vs. Bad Business Suit Mad at Ex Wife Toyota Camry Driver.
Me: What is wrong with you? Why are you so angry?
Man: Just learn how to fxxxin drive--
Me: Get yourself some Prozac, asshxxxx--
Man: Don't tell me what to do you b---
Me: You need some serious anger management courses.
Man: Shut the fxxx up--
Me: No, YOU SHUT UP YOU PRICK! What if I had cancer? What if I had just lost my mother? What if I went to Baja Fresh and they didn't carry Diet Coke and I was driving around crying into my Diet Pepsi? It was an accident! Jesus!!!!!! (Everything I shouted is practically verbatim, minus the Diet Coke line. But you get the idea)
The entire parking lot is now looking at this middle aged man in a suit cursing out the mother in the pony tail and Jackie O Glasses.
And then he started to walk away, but not without screaming
Man: Fxxx off!
Me: No, you fxx off you fxxin axxxhole!
Lots of fucks flying. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I try not to lose my cool. I really do. But damnit, sometimes it pisses me off that here I am trying to raise healthy kids, keep a level of spirituality going in this nutty world, exercize for my health, exercize for my mind, be a good citizen. And then I run into people like this.
The most interesting part of this experience was how, despite obscenities flying (and the potential of getting punched out or shot - this is L.A.) I remained fairly calm. My heart was beating, but I wasn't freaking out. Maybe it was the Zoloft, but I'd like to contribute my grace under fire to starting to know who I am. And yes, I might have said "Fuck" (sorry mom) but it was done with dignity. It's not okay to yell at me. It's not okay to assume. I will stand up for myself and feel good about it.
The theme of the week must be bounce because:
- We had to bounce back from Xmas right into the Thomas the Train Party
- I have had to let more than a few insults bounce off my back
- I've done more laundry than a Chinese Drycleaner and used the wonderfully smelling Bounce sheets
- I bought Bounce paper towels for my many upcoming party spills
- I rented a bouncer
...and if I keep on running into obnoxious Valley dwellers and don't start shutting my mouth, I'm going to need a Bouncer.
PEOPLE - BE NICE TO EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T MAKE ME GIVE YOU A TIME OUT, BECAUSE I WILL!