Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Who Drank the Screw With Me Juice?

If ever there was a day to fall off the Diet Coke wagon and plunge head first into a jacuzzi tub of acidic bubblies, today is the day. In short form:

- Get woken by Nick at 7am
- Deal with a cranky Sophie who didn't appreciate Nick waking her by lobbying his dinner tray over the side of the Pack N' Play
- Deal with a cranky Nick who can't watch Dora due to some power outage by Replay TV (note to self: call them, hunt them down, and bitch slap them with sippy cup)
- Find 3.2 million sippy cups but no lid (note to self: bitch slap replay tv people when sippy cup lid located)
- Take Nick to the toilet about 22 times (all before 10am) in an attempt to potty train
- Load Nick and Sophie into my new 150.00 side by side jogging stroller in an attempt to walk the 1.1 miles to Arco, Gelsons and the mall
- Stop every 2 minutes to pry Nick off of Sophie
- Get to Arco and find that the "cookies" have moved (cookies meaning Reeses that Albert normally gives to Nick.) Find Albert in pissy mood, cussing out the register in Hebrew. Leave with Nick in a pissy mood because he wants a sip of my "soda" but, like a bad fairy tale, cue music... it isn't soda at all... it's a bad version of canned ice tea.)
- Use the potty at Albert's after Nick tries to put the bathroom coin in every door but the bathroom door.
- Clean up entire roll of toilet paper Sophie unraveled all over the floor while Nick pees
- Get to Western Bagel to use the bathroom again. While waiting for it to become unoccupied, listen to heavy set ex-vet tell me the difference between regular swinging doors and American locked swingers (as opposed to just getting up and holding the door for me)
- Smile at a few people on the way past K-mart and get looked at like you have flesh eating bacteria on your thigh
- Have tire of 150.00 jogger stroller completely break off, causing a thud thump thump, thud thump thump for the remainder 1/4 mile journey to the mall
- Have the entire San Fernando Valley point out the fact that my tire is going thud thump thump. Try to be nice back and say "thank you" rather than "do you think I'm a complete moron and don't know this?" After mustering a "thank you" 20 times in less than 1/8 mile, put the remainder of the rubber tire over my head like a large art deco necklace and continue toward mall, causing everyone to, once again, look at me like I have a flesh eating bacteria and confirm my second response that I am, indeed, a complete moron.
- Give Nick Time Out for shoving a three year old off the half broken slide at the bacteria ridden play area
- Have both people that were supposed to meet me not show, forcing me to strike up a conversation with a woman named Puma and her 3 year old daughter, Esperanza, telling her in English that it's ironic that she has "Hope and I have none at the moment. She didn't get it.
- Lose Nick for 2 minutes when I realize he's meandered out of the play area and struck up a conversation with a Chinese vendor named Han selling overpriced monkey slip-ons at kiosk
- Finally see my friend (who happens to be James ex girlfriend) only to have her tell me she's hungry and take off again
- Go to food court to find bathroom. Bathroom closed for remodeling.
- Have sales person tell me the JC Penny bathroom is on the third floor
- Take 15 minutes to find elevator
- Get off at 3rd floor to find no bathroom and get lost on the way back from the bathroom
- Find the correct floor and discover that Nick has crapped in his pants
- Get to food court and pay$8.15 for 2 tasteless burgers, fries and ice tea
- Get lift home from James' ex-girlfriend
- Put Nick in bed and chicken in oven
- Put Sophie to sleep after hearing her scream twenty minutes
- Be woken by oven bell ten minutes later
- Calm down the raging Sophie by bathing her in sink. Take her out and find ca-ca on my skirt from where she pooped mid air

It's now 6:00 and I have to go to my monthly animation schmooze. As much as I'd like to pretend that animation geeks won't mind the smell of human feces on my pin stripe skirt (which was very cute before it got deficated on) I had better change.

PS: As I publish this, I can hear Nick's Little Engine that Could video in the background (which I scored for $5.00 at my favorite new store, the double decker Super Thrift on Reseda/Sherman Way) . It's the grand musical finale, and the little engine is singing "There ain't a mountain that you can't climb! There ain't a river you can't make it over! Nothing can stop us now!!!!!!!! Nothing can stop us NOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!" That fucking train never had its wheel fly off in front of K-mart with 2 toddlers poking it in the caboose.

2 comments:

Robert Parr said...

Not Exactly What Madison Had In Mind
University of Virginia law professor Vincent Blasi recently concluded that James Madison didn't understand the importance of the First Amendment until 10 years after he authored it.
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Come by and see it when you have time. Its really great!

Mama P said...

Are comments like this real or just attempts to have me buy your free products? If it's real, thanks for looking. If it's just a way to lure me into your site to have me buy zone products, I already am in a zone... the mommy zone... and all my free money is being spent on cappucinos and things to make me fat.